Hot Crossed Buns
by Negolith
Summary: Crack!fic, pure and simple. John gets injured in a delicate place and Rodney finds it punalicious.


_Author Notes:_ _Several weeks ago everybetty __and I were having an entertaining discussion about John's _ass_ets, and, well, since we both are lowly cubicle monkeys in corporate hell holes, the silliness insued. The puns flew fast and furious that day, and there is still smoking wreckage in the corners of my cubicle (dunno 'bout hers). Well, after a hell_ass_ious week of _Moon_days, the mind snapped this week, and I really needed something to cheer me and my friends up. And as I did my drone work, this started to form..._

Huh, in HINDsight, this really is everyBUTTY's fault. It really is - she just encourages me in bad behavior... Yeah, I can tell y'all believe me. Poop. 

**Hot Crossed Buns**

"Go! Go! Go!" John yelled as he fired into the jungle. Ronon and Teyla were right beside him, and the white and red discharges from their weapons lit up the false twilight brought about from the thick canopy overhead. The answering roar drowned out the P90's and rattled leaves.

"Going! Going! Going!" Rodney yelled back as he charged through the undergrowth. A second later he yelled again. "I see it." He made a beeline for the DHD.

"This is all your fault, McKay!" John motioned the others back and they started their retreat.

"But it was cute! And it purred!" Rodney yelled as he dialed Atlantis. "How was I to know mommy was Puffnstuff on steroids?" The gate whooshed to life and he was halfway to it before the event horizon had even stabilized.

Mommy reared up and roared, and when she came down she knocked a tree flat to the ground. John got his first real good look – she was all glistening ebony scales trimmed in crimson, spikes, claws, and teeth. Hard to believe junior, who Rodney fed a Powerbar to and looked like something out of a Disney flick, would grow up to be a fifty-foot long D&D nightmare that probably used holy swords to pick its teeth. "Go!" he yelled again and heard Ronon and Teyla take off. He continued to run backward as fast as he could, emptying his clip, until he turned and ran like hell, too.

He could hear mommy knocking more trees out of the way as he first saw Teyla, then Ronon disappear into the gate. There was no sign of Rodney. That didn't surprise him – that man could flat out _move_ when giant scaled carnivores were hot on his heels. When he was only a few long strides from the event horizon he heard something whistling through the air. Then came the impact and he didn't have to worry about those last few steps because the air was knocked completely out of him and he was pretty much _punted_ through the gate.

John sailed between a very surprised Ronon and Teyla on the other side and landed on his stomach a good twenty feet from the gate. He continued to slide, his P90 scraping along the floor between him and his tac vest, clipped Rodney's feet out from under him, and he _still_ had enough momentum that the surprised physicist didn't land on him. When he did come to a halt, his head was a foot from the opposite wall. Everything hurt and sparklies filled his vision. When he finally caught his breath, his first word was, "Ow."

Teyla knelt down next to him. "Don't move, John. You're bleeding, and a med team is on its way."

"I'm bleeding?" he said. Then he could feel burning in his cheeks, and it wasn't in the cheeks he showed the public every day. He heard Rodney snicker, and he just put his forehead against the floor to hide the new burning he was feeling.

-oOo-

John discovered one thing in the universe worse than being stuck in the infirmary – and that was being stuck in the infirmary, forced to lay on his stomach, because he had well over a hundred stitches distributed between a vertical stripe down each butt cheek. His tac vest saved his back from being flayed open, but unfortunately it only covered so much. It took Keller almost two hours to patch him up. Of course, the bouts of uncontrollable giggling probably had something to do with that. They also had to pump a unit of blood into him – who knew his ass would bleed that much? And hurt. Holy hell – now he knew what a football felt like after a fifty-yard field goal.

He was currently hugging a couple pillows so he could drink some water without slopping it all over the bed, bendy straw or not, when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head. Lt. Harrison smiled down at him and handed him a cup with a pill in it. He recognized Lortab now when he saw it and downed it without hesitation. When he handed the empty cup back to her, he noticed her face was neutral but her eyes were just _sparkling_. "Not. A. Word. Lieutenant," he growled out between his teeth.

"I wasn't going to say a thing, sir," she said sweetly before she left.

John just grunted.

"Hey, Sheppard!"

John groaned. From the tone of Rodney's voice, this was going to be bad. He craned his head the other way, and sure enough, the man was grinning like a maniac. Ronon was right with him, and he did not like the smirk on the big guy's face at all.

"Well, _can_ I _ass_ume nothing serious was damaged in that cat_ass_trophe of a mission?" Rodney said as he bounced in place, his eyes practically fever bright. "I have to say, that was the most fant_ass_tic 'gate entry I've ever seen. It was, dare I say, absolutely _glutiful_."

John glowered at him. "McKay…."

"Yeah, she really spanked you," Ronon added. "Just _tushed_ you right through the 'gate."

"And you can just …."

"_Butt_ out?" Rodney finished. When John groaned and faceplanted into the mattress Rodney did his little finger snappy thing. "I've got more."

"Doesn't surprise me," came John's muffled reply.

"Got more what?" Keller asked as she came to check on her patient.

"Really horrible puns," came another muffled reply.

"Oh," Keller said. She crossed her arms and fixed Rodney with her sternest doctor glare. Her dimples ruined it, however. "It's not safe to tease patients, Rodney. Sometimes an injury may seem innocuous, then bam – the slightest provocation may make the patient _bottom_ out."

John pulled one of his pillows and whipped it at Rodney.

It caught him square in the face. "Hey, she said it, not me."

John swiveled around enough to point at him. "Yeah, well _you_ started it!" Then he made a quiet _ow_ and grimaced as stitches pulled. He turned back and remained propped up on his elbows, but hung his head. "You are all so dead."

Cadence returned with a full i.v. bag and started to change the old one out. "Don't worry, Colonel – I'm 100 _behind_ you. I'll put an _end_ to this." And she flashed white teeth.

John just collapsed onto the bed and pulled his spare pillow over his head to drown out the laughter. Oh, the next few days were going to be hell….

_End Note: Sorry, puns are like Lays potato chips - you can't just stop at one! They're also like warts - left untreated, more just pop up. :)And as always, your reBUTTals, er, comments are always appreciated_.


End file.
